Are You Ready?

I have officially been tagged "it," never mind that I hated being "it" in the game of tag when I was a kid, this time it may prove to be cathartic, for me anways. The rest of you might just be left feeling uncomfortable.

I was tagged by my friend Hannah who made my tummy get all fluttery when I saw my name...kind of like being picked for the cool dodge ball team in grade school.

As I started thinking about five things about me that my friends aka the world, would be interested in reading I came to a frightening realization...I am completely boring and unpredictable. Not that this is a big surprise to me, I've always been this way but I've tried to put on a good show and now my facade is going to come crashing down because I am openly going to admit that I am not interesting whatsoever.

The terms of this "game" were to list five things that others may not know about you, hopefully those five things will be entertaining, funny, interesting, and even gross but also endearing. This sharing will bring everone closer and more secure about themselves. My list, I'm afraid, is going to be quite disturbing.

You see, I've made it my mission, nay, my purpose in life to be as invisible and discreet as possible. I learned at a very young age to stand silently and blend in with the wall. I purposefully did not do anything to let my presence be made known and this has continued into my adulthood. I don't have any marketable, blazing, impressive talents....

Now let me stop here really quick. I'm not saying all of this to get pity or to sound pathetic on purpose. I really am just this way and I know it. I'm just now being totally open and honest about what a fake I've been all my life.

Resuming...Honestly, I'm not an artist, decorative, crafty, a musician, a singer, a good listener(I can't help myself from interrupting the speaker to get my life story in), incredibly patient or witty...I've made myself be as plain as possible in order to not be noticed and therefore yelled at, talked to, hit, made to speak in class, made to shine, etc.

So, as I'm trying to think of five zany, crazy, interesting tidbits of information for my friends and family to read and laugh about...I'm coming up woefully, although predictably, short. I've decided to list five things that have nothing do with each other. Some might be funny, some might be scary and deeply personal but I swear I've been thinking about the list for days and am having a seriously hard time coming up with five things, so it might be four.

ahem...
#1: I am pro plastic surgery. This might not come as a shock to most of you considering my personal history, however I really support women who want their boobs lifted up to a normal, round position. God gave us gravity to hold the world together but I don't think He intended for our boobs to try and touch our toes. If surgical procedures mean that a women feels more confident and comfortable, despite society's protests, she should be educated about her decisions and then make the choice best suited to her body and wallet. Now there are always the extremists in every situation so trying to look like a feline is not refinement but lunacy and and that person needs a psych eval.

#2: I'm not exactly sure why I wanted to be a mother. It's a sucky job most of the time and frankly, I suck at it. Now, I know I'm not supposed to be perfect and believe me, I know I am far from it but it just is such a hassle most of the time with so many schedules and attitudes and appointments...even though I've chosen to stay at home, because I certainly am not interested working in the conventional sense, I don't find a sense of fulfillment in my children and cleaning up dirty dishes all day. Do I regret having children...no, well, sometimes..no no, definately not. But I know that they're gonna be all screwed up when they're older because I was an unfulfilled mom. and that makes me sad.

#3: I don't trust anyone. Honestly, not a single person. I trust people to varying degrees, as we all do but I've completely put my trust, love, self in another person and every time I get drop kicked when I need them most. I've fully trusted three people in my entire life and I am ashamed to say that my husband is not on that list. Each person I've let my guard down with and loved and let me be completely me with all my imperfections and flaws...and each time I've been crushed. I was going to say disappointed but that can happen in every relationship, that's just what happens. I know there are ups and downs and sometimes apologies need to be made but I'm talking C.R.U.S.H.E.D. How horrible am I that I don't trust my husband with deeply personal, spiritual, historical things? I couldn't survive if he crushed me by being ambivilent, throwing it back in my face, not caring, or not understanding. How can there be intimacy in a relationship without trust? My conclusion to this disturbing tirade is that my expectation on relationships and in human beings is unrealistic and somehow I'm going to have to alter my being.

I told you this would be scary and disturbing...

#4: I am a closet entertainer/artist/performer. I have done a superb job of building a box around myself so that I wouldn't be made fun of or be in the spotlight...but secretly I have always wanted to be on stage. I've selfishly wished for people to be touched by my performace, or song, or music or something. REALLY selfish I know. but alas, I was born with talents yet unknown to me because can barely draw stick figures, my voice is only good if it's drowned in a hundred voice choir, I was too scared to ever do drama because being that vulnerable goes against every fiber of my being, and I'm not confident enough in my self to be good at the saxophone.

#5: I cry at every sappy moment on t.v. Seriously. I never used to be this way. When I got married it started, I blame the birth control hormones raging, and since I've had children it has gotten worse tenfold. Every mildly, barfingly, sentimental moment in a commercial, show, movie, music video...I tear up. It's awful. I feel like Niagra Falls inside that's just waiting for a leak in the dam to gush forth and drown everything in sight. I'm really pathetic.

So, there you have it. Scary, pathetic, and disturbing but honest nonetheless.
OH, and for a freebie. In order to stop my brain from working at night I close my eyes and visualize myself in a white, padded room like in a psych ward. and I walk closer and closer to the padded walls to get the detail of it and it has to be quiet and somehow this quiets me...and then I have to choose whether or not to pretend I'm in a straight jacket...haha. I choose it most of the time cuz it feels like a hug.