What causes us...okay, me, to snap? Today was a perfectly normal, ordinary day with the usual chauffering of children to and from preschool, a 20-minute workout at the YMCA thanks to my screaming son and a quick trip to Wal-Mart for some necessities and some not so necessary necessities.
The kids were being normal, sweet, slightly annoying boys...nothing out of the ordinary. All of the sudden Aidan dumped his mac and cheese all over his tray and the floor, Camden keeps calling my name repeatedly, I'm trying to vacuum up the morning's cereal mess and then proceed to empty the disgusting bagless vacuum which leaves dust everywhere. Camden is oblivious to all of this and still keeps yelling my name and trying to talk over all the chaos...I simply. just.lost. it.
I'm not sure if I even had "it" to begin with but for some reason I exploded. I yelled. I yelled for nothing at my 4 year old and 18 month old who were doing nothing but being themselves. I suddenly felt very tired. Drained of all energy and motherly compassion. And most of all I felt guilt. Guilt that I knew I had lost my cool. Guilt that nothing was even going horribly wrong to maybe jusitfy my scary tirade. Guilt because yes, I did scare my son, which sent his sensitive emotions into overdrive, causing him to wail like a banshee..which just gives my drug dealer neighbor some ammo to throw back in my face because it sounds like I'm tearing my son apart limb from limb.
I promptly put them to bed, trying not to hyperventilate and wondering in confusion why I'm so angry all of the sudden. I needed to talk to someone...anyone.. but who? all my friends here...I don't really know well enough to let them see this dark, scary side. All my friends across the nation have really crazy lives of their own and don't need my complaining to add to their stress...my mother is working and I bug her enough as it is...who do I call?! My husband.
I just needed to vent, to be calmed, to hear soothing words like a soft caress against my cheek. What did I get? "I'm sorry." He is eating lunch, busy I know, but no depth behind it..no compassion. Why did I call him in the first place? Oh yeah for emotional support except it lacked the emotion I was yearning for. So Ihung up...feeling even more guilty for behaving like a two year old with my own children. Went and talked to Camden, apologized, and then I started blogging.
This is my comfort. I know not many people read this but just knowing that it's out there in cyberspace and perhaps someone will chance by for a quick peek and might possibly understand why I am crazy...that's enough.
So, if you are that person who might understand me...can you post a comment and please tell me why I'm insane? I'd really appreciate it.
7 comments:
Well, I don't know if I have any advice or comforting words except this: you are perfectly normal! Mothers all around the world lose it and yell at their kids from time to time. Give yourself a big pat on the back because all you did was yell. There are so many times when my kids aren't really "doing" anything wrong, but all the pressure of life as a mother (worrying about keeping a clean house, meals on the table, teaching your children how to be good people, keeping the marriage alive, etc.) just builds up and I snap. It just happens to be at a time when one or both of them has done something a little naughty or they are whining a little extra and I'm exhausted from it all. The joy of motherhood is that when you went in to apologize, those beautiful boys probably threw their arms around you and forgave you instantly. The unconditional love of a child amazes me, I'm pretty sure that's what gets me through my day! Anyway, I didn't mean to leave a novel here but I wanted you to know that this happens to me, too, and I'm sure most of the other moms in the world. Love you!
Normal or not, the look of fear in Camden's eyes because his mom turned into an evil monster will stay with me for a while. And yes, when I apologized all was forgiven by my Christ-like child. He'll forever be an example to me. From the mouths of babes...
Lem,
I don't have kids, so I can't really relate as well as other Mom's, but let me tell you, I loose my cool at my husband that easily sometimes too. We as women tend to do the yo-yo thing with our emotions and, while it's not the best thing in the world, sometimes we just NEED to snap and yell and scream and be . . . the one who needs comforting and help. All mothers yell, all mothers loose their cool. You are not alone and you are not bad. You are human. Your children love you unconditionally and will not remember this for long. Your husband probably had no idea how upset you really were . . . and as much as we love and need men, they sort of just don't get it. Don't ever hesitate to contact your friends across the nation. I think our friends are what keep us sane and help us realize that no one is perfect and it's OK to make mistakes and it's OK to yell for basically no reason. I have called my girlfriends many a time just to say "i'm going to kill him/them/someone" and no matter what, they always understand and they never judge. We have ALL been there! You aren't crazy, you aren't an awful parent. You are human. And we all love you.
y'all are gonna make me cry.Thanks for all the advice and support. Nate is usually very comforting and understanding so I shouldn't get all pissy at him. Tomorrow's another day, right? Thanks again.
LEM! I wrote you this enormous comment detailing the psychosis that happens during Stay-at-home-mom times...how you are normal, how you did all the right things, that guilt shouldn't be a factor, and that you can call any of us anytime and we will drop whatever is going on to say more than, I'm sorry. BUT, for some reason my browser didn't publish it so you get the abridged version:
You are normal. You are ok. It's happened to every last one of us in some way, shape, or form. You can call anytime. ( "
Lemily!
I am there with you sister! I ditto Kate and Hannah! You are normal, and you are a wonderful mom! Man, if I tried to blog each time that happened to me I might as well sleep at my computer! Sheesh!
I love you! Please don't hesitate to reach out! We're all in this together!
I want to know what happened to my comment too. I was the first to leave a comment and now I don't see mine. Anyway, I said basically the same thing. You are so normal and it happens to all of us, and apologizing was an extra wonderful gesture on your part. Everyone summed it up pretty well, so I guess that is all I'll say this time.
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